Blah

Sometimes it's really hard trying to be strong all the time. And pretending I'm fine.

Sing me something soft, sad and delicate

So, I'm dealing a bit better than I was about a week ago.  But not by much.  The ending of this relationship is so much harder on me than any other.  Every time I see him, I'm reminded of what my future was supposed to be.  We were on the fast track to marriage and kids, and now I feel as if I have to start all over again.  And it took me so long to find a guy like him.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm broken.  I never seem to have as intense emotions or relationships as others.  That's why losing him is so hard.  Will I ever be able to feel emotions quite like that again?  I surely hope so.  Because as much as I want to patch things up and be with him, I don't see that happening.  Trust once gone is forever gone.  At least with me.  And without trust, that love is simply not the same. 

Enough bellyaching about all the pain I'm in.  Sort of.  This next part relates, but it's not direct bitching.  I'm in a bit of a goth phase at the moment.  Really want my dark hair back.  Dark, thick eyeliner.  Dark shadows and polish.  Mostly blacks and dark purples when I choose clothing.  On the one hand, it's okay cause I make a pretty fabulously hot goth.  On the other, I'm 28 years old.  Seems a bit old to still be playing dress up.  Oh well.  All I can be is me.

So hard sometimes

Ugh, sometimes things are just so difficult. Saw the ex today. Thought I'd be ok. But I wasn't. It hurt. A lot. It's awful to be bear someone you love and know that you can't have them. At least not right now. And all I wanted was for things to be back to how they were. But I know that's not going to happen. Not anytime soon. Maybe never. And that is just so damn depressing.

It's been awhile.

So, it's been a long time since I've written. Things are different. Lots of things have happened. I got a breast reduction. Went to Oregon with my brother for three weeks. And was in a relationship. A very serious relationship. I thought for sure that we were going to end up married. But then I found out he lied to me about something very important. I tried to deal, but was unable and so we broke up. But it's been really difficult. I feel really sad a lot. And confused. Le sigh.

Phew... again.

So it's been awhile but I didn't want to update without having the results of my BRAC Analysis.  My doctor just called me and.... NEGATIVE!  Which is good.  No free boob job, but no scary cancer either.  :-p  I always try to look on the bright side.  My mum wants her oncologist to check out my testing and make sure all the t's were crossed and i's dotted.  Just to be 100% sure.  And I still have to have a mammo and breast us done since I'm now within the 10 year age gap to youngest breast cancer person in my family.

In other news, dating site is not going super well.  I think that I'm just overly picky.  I really did try... for about a month.  And now I'm back to my lazy old self.  I'm pretty sure I'm going to delete my Eharmony after the 3 months is up.  No sense paying for a site that isn't really working.  I'm not super impressed with it anyway.

Other amazing news: My bro and I are going to Oregon!  Since we had to scrap the Greece trip due to financial reasons, we've decided on the cheaper hiking and tenting in Oregon for two weeks option.  I've already found tons of hiking paths and waterfalls to visit.  Not to mention the whale watching.  It's going to be fantastic and I seriously can't wait.

That's it for now.  Write you all in another month or so.  :-p

Cancer, leave me alone!

Another update.  Sorry it's been so long.  And yet again, it's about cancer.  It's stalking me, I swear.

 So, recently my mum went and had the BRAC Analysis done.  She's positive for the second mutation.  For those of you who know nothing about it, let me explain.  Basically, she has a 95% chance of getting ovarian cancer and/or breast cancer sometime after 50.  She's 50.  She, her ovaries are already gone, no biggie there.  She went and had an MRI of her breasts done and there is an area that showed some concern.  Not anything serious now, but her surgeon thinks that sometime next year, that area will be cancer.  Therefore, she's scheduled to have a bilateral mastectomy, or, in laymens terms, she's having her boobs removed.  She'll have implants put in at the same time she has the breasts removed so it's not like she'll be boobless.

Last week, I found out that one of my cousin's (age 35), had an abnormal mammo and ultrasound.  She had to have an area biopsied and it came back as cancer.  I'm 27, not much younger than this cousin.  She's doing the same thing as my mum and having her breasts removed and implants put in.  Since she's so close to my age, I'm now going in to get my BRAC Analysis testing done.  If I'm positive, I've already decided to have a bilateral mastectomy and get implants put in.  I haven't had kids yet and I don't want to get breast cancer while I'm pregnant.  Plus, I was bottle fed and turned out just fine.  My BRACA test isn't for a few weeks.  I'll update when I get  the results.

I can see

Without the aid of contacts or glasses. I had my surgery. It was seriously the weirdest thing ever. If you don't want to know all the crazy details about the surgery, skip the next paragraph.

They give you valium. I asked for a lot because something coming towards and touching my eye ball freaks me out. Once you are almost in zombie sleep phase, they bring you on for surgery. You go into a room and lie down. Drops are put into your eyes and then they are propped open. It was a very Kubrick moment. Then this machine comes over your head and this thing pushes into your eye until your vision goes black, then it releases and your vision returns. Repeat on other eye. Then you walk to a room next to it. You lie down, they tape your eyelashes back, and prop your eye open. Then they move the flap they created. Basically, you are looking straight ahead while your vision starts moving up down and side to side. Then all you see are red and green lights and there is a laser noise and the smell of burning flesh. Flap gets flipped back down then they brush it down a few times. Repeat other eye. After, you sit up and you can actually see pretty well. Then you go home and sleep for about 24 hours.

My vision is fairly good, although my right eye is a bit blurry and at night things are fuzzy and have a halo around them. But it's still early. I may have to have one or both retouched. That's ok by me. As long as they don't have to recreate that flap, I'm good. And they won't if they retouch them.

My birthday is tomorrow. I got my presents from my family yesterday. Having dinner and cake tonight. Tomorrow I work. Saturday is my party. My outfit for it is coming along nicely, though I have a lot of work still.

That's it for this update.