Blah

Sometimes it's really hard trying to be strong all the time. And pretending I'm fine.

Sing me something soft, sad and delicate

So, I'm dealing a bit better than I was about a week ago.  But not by much.  The ending of this relationship is so much harder on me than any other.  Every time I see him, I'm reminded of what my future was supposed to be.  We were on the fast track to marriage and kids, and now I feel as if I have to start all over again.  And it took me so long to find a guy like him.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm broken.  I never seem to have as intense emotions or relationships as others.  That's why losing him is so hard.  Will I ever be able to feel emotions quite like that again?  I surely hope so.  Because as much as I want to patch things up and be with him, I don't see that happening.  Trust once gone is forever gone.  At least with me.  And without trust, that love is simply not the same. 

Enough bellyaching about all the pain I'm in.  Sort of.  This next part relates, but it's not direct bitching.  I'm in a bit of a goth phase at the moment.  Really want my dark hair back.  Dark, thick eyeliner.  Dark shadows and polish.  Mostly blacks and dark purples when I choose clothing.  On the one hand, it's okay cause I make a pretty fabulously hot goth.  On the other, I'm 28 years old.  Seems a bit old to still be playing dress up.  Oh well.  All I can be is me.

So hard sometimes

Ugh, sometimes things are just so difficult. Saw the ex today. Thought I'd be ok. But I wasn't. It hurt. A lot. It's awful to be bear someone you love and know that you can't have them. At least not right now. And all I wanted was for things to be back to how they were. But I know that's not going to happen. Not anytime soon. Maybe never. And that is just so damn depressing.

It's been awhile.

So, it's been a long time since I've written. Things are different. Lots of things have happened. I got a breast reduction. Went to Oregon with my brother for three weeks. And was in a relationship. A very serious relationship. I thought for sure that we were going to end up married. But then I found out he lied to me about something very important. I tried to deal, but was unable and so we broke up. But it's been really difficult. I feel really sad a lot. And confused. Le sigh.

Phew... again.

So it's been awhile but I didn't want to update without having the results of my BRAC Analysis.  My doctor just called me and.... NEGATIVE!  Which is good.  No free boob job, but no scary cancer either.  :-p  I always try to look on the bright side.  My mum wants her oncologist to check out my testing and make sure all the t's were crossed and i's dotted.  Just to be 100% sure.  And I still have to have a mammo and breast us done since I'm now within the 10 year age gap to youngest breast cancer person in my family.

In other news, dating site is not going super well.  I think that I'm just overly picky.  I really did try... for about a month.  And now I'm back to my lazy old self.  I'm pretty sure I'm going to delete my Eharmony after the 3 months is up.  No sense paying for a site that isn't really working.  I'm not super impressed with it anyway.

Other amazing news: My bro and I are going to Oregon!  Since we had to scrap the Greece trip due to financial reasons, we've decided on the cheaper hiking and tenting in Oregon for two weeks option.  I've already found tons of hiking paths and waterfalls to visit.  Not to mention the whale watching.  It's going to be fantastic and I seriously can't wait.

That's it for now.  Write you all in another month or so.  :-p